“We are NOT having cash-flow issues - I swear to god Jim!” I heard my client say as I walked thru the door to his office. The look of frustration was clear on his face - “OK... I understand... it's not your fault... send over the new terms and I’ll take a look.” I took my normal seat at the team table and waited patiently for him to speak first. “My vendor heard rumors that we are having cash-flow issues and now he wants us to change our payment terms.” As the story unfolded, I learned that a change in accounting systems resulted in some errors in processing vendor payments recently - all of the issues were resolved quickly and completely, but the rumor started, and as the saying goes - "A lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth can get its boots on" (Johnathan Swift).1
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Perception is Reality” and if you know me, you know it’s one of my favorite sayings. Not because its particularly profound, but to the contrary, because of its simplicity. You see - people’s opinions and perceptions are developed through their own life experiences - what they read, hear or watch on TV, who they talk to and what they experience in their interaction with others. In this political season, you can see how "Perception is Reality" is at play daily - if I were to make the comment "Hillary Clinton is corrupt" - a portion of the population would immediately agree, where another portion of the population would be offended at such a statement. Likewise - if I were to make the comment "Donald Trump is a liar" - the exact same thing would happen. Everyone's perception of the political candidates was shaped well before the most recent news report was released.
All too often, our base instincts tell us to fight back against what we see as inaccurate perceptions of the truth and to force others to see things "the right way" - when in reality, you are fighting an uphill battle and run the risk of further solidifying perceptions. If you take the example of my client - he could have become defensive and refused to consider a change to the terms of the agreement, but that runs the risk of forcing his vendor to question why... is it because he really is having cash flow issues? Instead - as hard as it may seem - you need to accept the fact that what the other person believes is their truth, and work to try and reshape their truth to adjust to a new reality. Here are some things you can start doing today:
1. Listen: In most instances, the most important thing to do when confronted with conflict is to start by listening. Why do they feel (or think) the way they do? What lead them to their conclusion(s)? What information can you solicit from them to help understand their reality? Be genuinely open to not just "hearing" what they have to say, but truly listening to the message. As Celeste Headlee says in her great “Ted Talk” - If you are genuinely engaged and listening, you don’t need to reflect back (but personally, I still think it’s a good idea).
2. Acceptance: I know it’s hard - but you need to accept that their perception is their reality. If you have genuinely listened to what they have to say, you will at least understand their reasoning or justification for their position. Note - this is not to say you need to agree with their point of view... just seek to understad why and know that you do not have a magic word or phrase that will miraculously change their perception.
3. Address issues directly: Do not avoid discussing the topic - be upfront and address the issue with your partners directly. Explain what happened, why it happened, how you are going to deal with the problem or issue and the steps you have taken to prevent it from occurring again. If you avoid or try to hide from conflict, it will only work against you to solidify your partners’ perceptions that their suspicions are well founded.
4. Open communication: Be willing to talk with your partners on their schedule and take whatever time is necessary to hear them out - the more they talk, the better they will feel. Don't try to bury it in an email or voicemail - be sure to talk with your partners face to face or live over the phone.
5. Reflect and put yourself in their shoes: How would you react if you were in your partners’ shoes - would you feel the same way? What would you want from the other person to make things right? Simply stated - follow the Golden Rule and treat your partners as you want to be treated. Again - that does not mean to say that you accept fault for something that you didn't do or agree to unreasonable terms.
If you treat your partners with respect and work to come to a mutually agreeable solution, you will be establishing the foundation for a new reality. A reality where your partners know that you genuinely appreciate your relationship, truly listen to their concerns and work to develop mutually beneficial outcomes. Then, the next time something happens (and something always happens), their perception of you will go a long way in preventing unnecessary escalations and give you the benefit of the doubt.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Brian Thomas is the Founder of RoundTable.Solutions, a firm 100% dedicated to creating success by helping companies develop and execute on the right strategies. Brian has an undergraduate degree in Communications, an MBA in Strategy and Operations with multiple certificates from the University of Notre Dame in Advanced Negotiations and Conflict Resolution. Contact RoundTable.Solutions to see how they can help your company create success.